Jun 10, 2011

What's wrong with me?

Strange question to be asking myself isn't it? I wake up feeling not quite right, but as the day drags on.... and I do mean D R A G S on... I start to feel more & more not quite right. For some reason I can never put my finger on it, nor do I have a clue what's wrong.

Perhaps it could be the fact that I have not worked at all for almost 2 years. Perhaps it could be just being bored. Could it be just a combination of things?

I don't have any friends in real life, as in go for a coffee kind of friends. I don't make friends easily at all, so that part becomes harder. I don't leave the house alot since I got hurt & perhaps have developed a little anxiety over that. I hate being in the house alone, yet don't want anyone near me for fear of either fighting with them or just making them as miserable (or whatever 'it' is) as me.

I could be just down, I could be just hormonal. Who knows. But without me knowing what it is & why I'm like this, then I'm betting there will be no way to get back to being me. Back to being someone other than a back injury. Someone other than nothing.

All I have is this blog, that nobody reads. The blog that nobody cares about. The blog that most of the world does not know about. This is what my life has been reduced to. Sad? Could be perceived that way to some I guess. But to me, it's just a way to get my thoughts out there, to stop them from being in my head, clogging up my world. Cause we all know that it's already got enough problems to deal with. Right?

Jun 7, 2011

Some useless dribble, but not on the food.

Ok so I spent wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 2 long trying to make my blog here look pretty. In the end I should have just left it how it was right? I mean really who cares what the damn thing looks like.... but if anyone out there wants to make me a nice template for free I'm more than happy with that...hehehe.

Anyway so I was trying to think/discover what to write about today. I could write about so little, yet think so much is going on.In fact nothing much is going on at all.My life is actually kinda great at the moment...except for my back...but that's normal.

I actually tried my hand at making a jam tart today. I've never made one before & despite my best efforts, I failed. I didn't measure out things right to begin with, so it was more butter, more flour, more butter.... you get my drift. Then more water than should have been & then I was just unable to cook it properly. Thank god I didn't put the jam in at all (the baking the base was the part I stuffed up) so at least I didn't waste that yummo jam. I also didn't have the right pan to cook it in, nor did I have a rolling pin (the base was thick, then thin, then broken, then uncooked, overcooked) see a small pattern here? Lol.

Ok so tomorrow I'll have to buy a few items, cause the family really really want their jam tart & they want me to make it.
  • Rolling pin
  • Something to weight things with
  • Pan
  • Baking paper
That should be the list, bet I don't get it though. But hey I can try..... "Oh, honey" lol

Jun 5, 2011

What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently?

I saw this question on a website & wondered how I could answer it.  I know exactly what that is, and know exactly what I would have changed. Don't be shocked.

 I was 16, only just 16. I was in love.... well I was. I had been in love with him since I was 14, he was a year younger (almost a year) then me. I thought he loved me as well. I really did. We got onto the subject of sex just before I turned 16, we had not done that with each other at all. We wanted to, but the timing was always wrong.

 So one day, we did it. I don't remember where we were, but it was nothing special... despite the fact I loved him. But from that moment on I KNEW I wanted to have his children ..... 2 I told him, and that I wanted to marry him...but that was not more important than me having his children.

So fast forward to 1 month later & we were at our usual spot, a not so private spot that we used to go to have sex... we could not go to our homes due to parents & stuff. So there we were & I was not really in the mood. He was though. So we played truth or dare..... I don't know why I took it so serious. I dared him to give me what I wanted.... that was the 1st thing that came out of my mouth. It was the last thing that I had thought through.

I wanted a child, yep at 16, so he did give me what I wanted. I got pregnant that very day. 4th June
1991. I went home in a daze.... what the hell had I done? But you know, I was in love. I wanted this child, asked for it, and he loved me enough to do that. 2 out of 3 aint bad.

I told my bestie, she told everyone. I got morning sickness, that's when mum found out. That's when I should have done things different...from THAT moment on. Mum told nan.... they took over. No longer was it MY decision, it was theirs. I was bullied into it..... mum, nan. school (yeah they found out & decided to jump in as well) ....  I was told that if I had this child I would be kicked out, I would be alone. I needed Bryce...I loved him...I needed his support.

So I went & saw him. Asked him for help. Asked him "what about the baby?" he said I wont hurt the baby...... we had sex. That's not what I asked. I didn't see him again. Not till October that year. After the abortion.... after the murder of my much wanted child, after the bullying. After the taunts from people at school who had found out from my so called bestie.

What would I have done different? I would have told them all to shove it, had my child on my own & been happier.

December 27th 1992 I got pregnant again.... to Bryce, the same guy. Had not seen him since that day, we had sex, he came & forgot to tell me. I told him I was pregnant soon after I found out, 2 months later. He denied being the father. I saw him again when I was 18, just after I had told everyone else.... so they could not make me do anything.... he denied being the father still. I saw him for the last time 1 month before giving birth.... told him he was having a son. He could not have cared less.

29th Sept 1993 my son was born. He is now almost 18. I have raised him to be better than the father he has never seen, spoken to but knows about. I have done a good job.

I always said I would have 2 kinds to Bryce, even back then. Pity I only got to keep 1. I would have done that different.